the end of hope…

September 29, 2009 at 10:31 am 2 comments

I have my blood test on Friday to see if this IUI cycle worked…but I’m pretty sure it didn’t. I’ve had no symptoms: tiredness, sore/tender breasts, constantly peeing – nothing.

Even though I’m pretty sure I’m not pregnant, when I hear the finaly word on Friday, I know I’m gonna break down. This was our last chance I think. I’ve not allowed my husband to bring it up because I don’t want to think about it yet, but I’m pretty sure we won’t be able to try again. We’ve maxed out every resourse we have for money. We’ve gotten grants, taken out loans, begged from friends and family and wiped out our savings. We’ve got nothing left and no where else to look for more.

It’s rediculous…beyond rediculous that the only reason I (or I guess for a lot of you, we) can’t have a family because insurance does not cover the costs. Don’t I have as much right to a baby as every other woman in America? It’s not fair that all they have to do is have one night of sex and BOOM! Baby…

My husband and I have been TTC (trying to concieve) since January of 2007. We’re coming up on our 3 year anniversary of not having a baby – this is not an anniversary that you celebrate, rather one that you mourn. And I will. I will mourn the child I should have had in October. I will mourn all the children I COULD have had in that amount of time if I were a normal woman. I will mourn the children I may NEVER get to have simply because I don’t have the insane amount of money it costs to make a child.

I’ve been trying to think of ways I can get the money we need to make a child:

1) Find a job that pays me $100,000 a year

2) Get a second job and work every night

3) Sell all of my possessions

4) Win the lottery

5) Make friends with a very rich, very old, very sick person who will give me all their money

Short of any of those, this is probably it. If we wait until my husband is done with school I’ll be about 32 or 33 years old. Dangerously close to 35…

I’ve looked into adoption, because husband and I have always said we wanted to adopt, but that costs even more than having one myself. It just seems so unfair. All I want is a baby. There are thousands of babies out there who need a good home, but I can’t afford them. I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO BUY A BABY!!!

I don’t know this person that I’ve become. This new person gets upset seeing families walking down the street, or a parent pushing their baby in a stroller. My blood boils when I see a pregnant woman – I actually get MAD when I see a pregnant woman. That’s not fair. I don’t know their story. I’m just jealous. I’ve never been a jealous person, but this new me is. This new me is prone to tears at random times. This new me is never quite as happy as I used to be, though I put on a good face. I hate this new me. I want her to go away, but she sticks around…and I fear she’s here to stay.


Entry filed under: Uncategorized.

Springtime in Chicago Amen.

2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. SewDucky  |  September 29, 2009 at 1:08 pm


  • 2. DannyK  |  September 30, 2009 at 3:47 pm

    New you or old you we still love ya!


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