May 16, 2003 at 6:19 pm Leave a comment

I’ve realized that my blog entries are really lame…I was hoping that I would be able to get into some very deep and meaningful conversations via this new outlet, but thus far, I’ve put up meaningless crap and movie quotes…unfortunatly, this seems to be all I am…I quote movies non-stop, I think it’s some sort of disease, and I’m sure there is medication for this. I’ll have to look into that. Even when deep and meaningful conversations are going on, I tend to sit back and listen and not want to get into it…perhaps it’s a fear of opening myself up to others, this is something I’ve struggled with most of my life. I don’t like other people to know what I’m thinking…I’m afraid they’ll laugh, or think I’m dumb for feeling or thinking that way. I mostly keep my feelings to myself…mostly. (See, even there, that was a South Park quote…I’m a sick sick bastard!) There has been many times in my life where I’ve wanted to say something to someone, and I just don’t. It freaks me out. I don’t want to be stuck in a position where what I’m thinking and what someone else is thinking is the exact opposite, and it creates an awkward situation…maybe I’m just crazy!

This can be different sometimes though…there are many times when I just DO NOT think before I speak…then I get myself into trouble, or feel bad aboot it later. There was one time, this Christmas actually…my friend Kiley just got engaged, and someone across the room said, “Everyone look at Kiley’s finger!!” I of course knew what that meant and blurted out…”What’d she do that for?” Of course, this was my initial reaction, and I still feel that way (not to do anything with Kiley’s fiance, that’s just always my reaction to engagement (for the most part, Susie & Eric, and Sherry & Leo excluded)). Of course, this was not the most polite thing I could have said, and I realized that…the next day. Ooops…there goes my silly mouth shooting off again! I also am usually not very good at keeping my opinions in, when they are on important issues…though I don’t feel badly aboot that…but I do try to make it clear that they are MY views and by no means to I want to impose them upon others.

Of course, from my ‘El experience yesterday, perhaps I should do this more. Here’s the scoop: I got on the ‘El and there was a lady, pretty much blocking the door with her bags that for all intents and purposes were filled with garbage. She was obviously a homeless person. This woman, also smelled very strongly of urine. There were some young gentlemen on the train as well, making rude comments every once in a while about this woman. Now, she did smell quite bad, and it was uncomfortable, but this woman could obviously not help the way she smelled. I kept my mouth shut. Then, a few minutes later, a blind man comes through the car, asking for spare change. There was a man (a white man, this is important to the story later, so that is why I mention it) who gave him $5.00 then helped him to the next car. Once the blind man was gone, the older man says, very loudly mind you, “I can’t believe none of you reached into your pocket for this man…you ought to be ashamed of yourselves!” Now, working at a drop in center, I know that giving spare change is not the best way to assist those who need assistance…there are much better ways of doing things. I didn’t say anything, but the 2 younger gentlemen whom I mentioned earlier (who happened to be African-American, again, this is important to the story later, so that is why I am mentioning it) started in on this older guy. Talking about how he’s gonna use that $5 for drugs, and that he just helped by cocaine…that he’d been had. The older guy got really upset, and a swearing contest of sorts insued. There was also a woman on the train who started in on the older guy. She was saying that she has children and bills to worry about, she doesn’t have spare to give out…she is more worried that her daughter won’t have shoes on her feet. The older man just didn’t get it, and kept yelling at everyone on the train. The woman even said she knew that he had a place to stay (cause the older guy was saying he’s gonna worry about where he’ll be sleeping that night), told him exactly where he lived, and that he even had a wife. He was getting very upset, and you could tell he was starting to question if he’d been had or not…so, he began to get very defensive of his point of view and said to the younger men, “You see all these white people on the train? They’re all afraid of you!” Excuse me?? Speak for yourself, sir! Okay, I didn’t say that, but I should have…I kept my mouth shut when there was obvious racism surrounding me. I’ll have to live with that now…I really wish I would have said something, anything to this older man. That was just a rude comment, and needed to be delt with, but I didn’t say anything. So, more arguing, and swearing, and the older man switched cars luckily. Then, right before I got off the train, a line of younger men walked through, definitly dressed to go out on the town, and what some would call stereotypically, “flamboyantly gay.” They were singing a song together and struting there stuff…it was cool! But, the 2 younger gentlemen, who themselves had just been the targets of racist comments, began to laugh. “Look at these divas! These (excuse the term) fags! Look at them!” They were just rolling, and shooting off racism right and left. What did I say? Nothing…nothing at all…2 times in a row, I was met with a chance to state an important view point, and I froze. I got off the train. I got off the train! I don’t know why I choked…I’ve said stuff before. Perhaps there was just too much tension in the car already, I don’t know…and that is definitly not an excuse. I got off the train, and didn’t say a word.


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