the end of hope…

I have my blood test on Friday to see if this IUI cycle worked…but I’m pretty sure it didn’t. I’ve had no symptoms: tiredness, sore/tender breasts, constantly peeing – nothing.

Even though I’m pretty sure I’m not pregnant, when I hear the finaly word on Friday, I know I’m gonna break down. This was our last chance I think. I’ve not allowed my husband to bring it up because I don’t want to think about it yet, but I’m pretty sure we won’t be able to try again. We’ve maxed out every resourse we have for money. We’ve gotten grants, taken out loans, begged from friends and family and wiped out our savings. We’ve got nothing left and no where else to look for more.

It’s rediculous…beyond rediculous that the only reason I (or I guess for a lot of you, we) can’t have a family because insurance does not cover the costs. Don’t I have as much right to a baby as every other woman in America? It’s not fair that all they have to do is have one night of sex and BOOM! Baby…

My husband and I have been TTC (trying to concieve) since January of 2007. We’re coming up on our 3 year anniversary of not having a baby – this is not an anniversary that you celebrate, rather one that you mourn. And I will. I will mourn the child I should have had in October. I will mourn all the children I COULD have had in that amount of time if I were a normal woman. I will mourn the children I may NEVER get to have simply because I don’t have the insane amount of money it costs to make a child.

I’ve been trying to think of ways I can get the money we need to make a child:

1) Find a job that pays me $100,000 a year

2) Get a second job and work every night

3) Sell all of my possessions

4) Win the lottery

5) Make friends with a very rich, very old, very sick person who will give me all their money

Short of any of those, this is probably it. If we wait until my husband is done with school I’ll be about 32 or 33 years old. Dangerously close to 35…

I’ve looked into adoption, because husband and I have always said we wanted to adopt, but that costs even more than having one myself. It just seems so unfair. All I want is a baby. There are thousands of babies out there who need a good home, but I can’t afford them. I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO BUY A BABY!!!

I don’t know this person that I’ve become. This new person gets upset seeing families walking down the street, or a parent pushing their baby in a stroller. My blood boils when I see a pregnant woman – I actually get MAD when I see a pregnant woman. That’s not fair. I don’t know their story. I’m just jealous. I’ve never been a jealous person, but this new me is. This new me is prone to tears at random times. This new me is never quite as happy as I used to be, though I put on a good face. I hate this new me. I want her to go away, but she sticks around…and I fear she’s here to stay.

 

HOLY CRAP!!!

It’s like I could have wrote this article!!

Read, enjoy, love the nerd girl!

 

Weekend Update…

Hello!  Time for a MAJOR update on my life!  Get ready folks, it’s probably gonna be a long one…

Friday night we went to a One of the Girls concert!  It was fun to see them performing again, and not even on St. Patrick’s Day!  There was a slight problem in the middle of the concert as the lead singer blew out his voice, but the rest of the band was able to cover, and he was able to come back and sing some more later that night.  Unfortunately I was a doofus and forgot my camera that night…boo.  So I don’t have pics of the band.  What I DO have a picture of though is the fish I got at the bar that night!  Yes…you read that correctly, I got a fish at a bar.  They were selling them for $2 for a fundraiser (I’m not sure what they were fund raising for, but hey – FISH!)  I didn’t have $2, but my good friend Roger offered to purchase said fish as long as he got to name him (for a “classy” photo of Roger, keep reading…).  So my friends, I present to you Samson!

He REALLY likes his reflection in the side of the bowl and is always swimming over there, when he’s not sleeping that is!  When he’s awake, he’s very feisty and swims quickly around, trying to catch his reflecting, but mostly he sleeps a lot!  We think he needs a friend to play with, so there may be another trip to the fish store soon to get a Delilah.  He lived in a Mason jar the night we got him until we could get to the fish store up the block from us and get a bowl, rocks, food and drops for the water.  He seems to like his new home!  I have a video of him swimming around, but I don’t have it on this computer.  I’ll try to add it to the post tonight when I get home!

On Saturday, Justin, Malcolm and I decided to go for a family stroll through our neighborhood.  It was a gorgeous spring day!  I’ve had an idea brewing since the end of last spring of going out with my camera and catching the sights of spring in Chicago with my camera.  It seemed like the perfect day to put that plan into effect!  So, here are some of my favorite shots.  If you’d like to see ALL the pictures I took that day, click here!

This is my FAVORITE photo of the whole day, and it was one of the first ones I took.  I went in to take a close up shot of the blossoms on this tree and found a cocoon!  Not only was that an awesome find, but I think the picture turned out really well, too!

And of course a “Spring Time in Chicago” photo album would not be complete without evidence of the winter and neglect of the city.  Who knows how long this hole will sit there with the pylon marking it and nothing done to fix it?  Not to mention the car sized pot holes all over the roads!  I also got a nice picture of the street cleaning signs, but you can see that one in my album by clicking the link above if you want   Now – back to the pretty!

These iron gates are EVERYWHERE blocking off the tiny gardens for the apartments and houses in our neighborhood.  Definitely iconic for Chicago (at least my area of Chicago).  Plus I LOVE tulips (my favorite flower in case you ever want to get me any)!

Another of my favorite shots of the day…one reason I love spring so much is the smell.  The scent of rain, of fresh dirt and mulch on the gardens and the tree blossoms scenting the air.  Yum.  If they could bottle the smell of spring I’d wear it all the time.

More beautiful tree blossoms.  The color on this one is breath taking.  I also like this photo because of the car in it – it’s Chicago, where people cram beauty and nature into every nook and cranny that they can and it’s right next to the hustle and bustle of the city.  Don’t get me wrong – I’m a country girl!  Put me in a forest full of trees and Spring Beauties any day, but you gotta love what people do to bring some peace and joy into their concrete city lives!

This one I took outside of a church building.  I like the way the camera focused on the yellow flowers in the front of the image.  I like to play with focus and blur in my photos.  I think it adds a little more to the shot, especially when your working with inanimate objects!

I have tons more pictures, but I’ll spare you all more pics of flowers and me going on and on about them!  As I said, if you want to see the full album, you can click the link above!!

So, then on Sunday my friends Carly and Trish were having a “Tarts and Vicars” party to celebrate Carly’s birthday and not for Trish’s birthday…not at all…Trish dosen’t have birthdays – she’s a laaaady!  Anyway, I’m going to share some shots from that night, and once again if you want to see them all, click here! (Be warned, it was a costume party, some of us dressed as tarts, just so you’re ready for some scandalis photos! *wink*)

Sarah dressed as Salome with the head of John the Baptist on a platter – she covered both themes!

Here is me enjoying a frozen banana covered in chocolate…it was quite good!

Sarah and Tripp, relaxing in the Hookah Lounge

My hubby (dressed as a vicar on holiday) enjoying the Apple flavored tobacco in the Hookah.

More Hookah love…with Miss Evy in the background.

Carly and Trish enjoying the Birthday (and non birthday) tarts, in regular and Gluten/Dairy free!

Of course, there HAD to be the obligatory foot shot…look at all those feet!  It’s a foot orgy!

Me and Abbey, showing our true tart colors!

Of course, no tarts and vicars party would be complete with out a strip tease!  Roger made sure we had that! 

(Photo by Abbey)

Well, that’s the update for now.  Hope you all had a wonderful weekend, full of flowers, fish and tarts like mine was…Hmm….

 

New blog…

If you’re interested, I’ve decided to start a blog that will catalog my journey with infertility.  It’s not much right now, but as Justin and I move through this journey together I hope to be able to use the blog as a way of venting and hopefully someday, celebrating.  http://babythornburgh.wordpress.com/

 

Sorry All…

It’s been a while since my last real update! It’s been hard to find the time and the motivation. I should hopefully soon have Christmas photos up and talk about our travels. We had a good Christmas season this year, filled with friends, family and traveling! Hope you all had a great holiday season!

 

In Memory…

My grandmother, Mary Cathern Groth, passed away late last night. She was 95 years old. I’ll miss you, grandma!

 

My Rock ‘n Roll Dream…

 

TWILIGHT TRAILER

I love reading. I love it. I would be most happy curled up in a comfortable chair with a stack of my favorite books next to me and just work my way through one at a time and start over. I love the smell of books, and using my imagination to picture what the characters and places look like!

I love movies. I would also be happy, curled up in a comfy chair with a stack of my favorite movies next to me and just work my way through one at a time and start over. I love seeing the images and letting someone else’s imagination create a cornucopia of images for my mind to wrap around.

So…the best of both worlds is sometimes a movie that is based upon one of my favorite books. I say “sometimes” and not “all the time” because more often than not, a movie adaptation of a book is horrid (see Eragon…actually, DON’T see Eragon). Harry Potter I rank some of my all time favorites. The movies don’t hold a candle to the books, but they are tolerable. It’s rare that a movie and a book are both amazing. In my opinion I love both the Lord of the Rings books and movies! Another movie/book that I can say are both good is Interview with the Vampire.

I’m bringing all this up because once again, one of my favorite books, Twilight by Stephanie Meyer is being made into a movie. I seriously hope that the movie is as fantastic as the book. There are 3 other books in the series…two are out, the other is not yet released, but will be on August 2nd. I can only assume that they’ll do movies for the rest of the books, too. I will definitely be going on December 12th, 2008 to see the movie. Here’s hoping it can live up to the book! For a sneak peek, here’s the teaser trailer:

[UPDATE: Edward seems to bear a striking resemblance to a certain Cedric Diggory of Harry Potter fame...Hmmm...]

 

Welcome to the new look of Randomness!

Hello to the 3 of you who read this: Welcome to my look page! I figured it was time to jump on the wordpress band wagon…it really is much easier, and I can make a cool banner (see above). I’m still working on moving stuff from the old blog over, but all my archives are here! Hope you are all well.

 

Mae-Mae’s Music Club

So, I’m sort of stealing this from my husband Justin. He does a “Friday Music Club” on his blog (check it out every Friday!). Recently I’ve been popping in my Jack Johnson CD, Brushfire Fairytales. My roommate John from LVC used to listen to it all the time. In the past few days, the song The News has really hit me. Below I post a video made with the song in the background, and the words. It pretty much speaks for itself, so I’m not going to bother to go into any detail. Just watch and listen.

A billion people died on the news tonight
But not so many cried at the terrible sight
Well mama said
It’s just make believe
You can’t believe everything you see
So baby close your eyes to the lullabies
On the news tonight

Who’s the one to decide that it would be alright
To put the music behind the news tonight
Well mama said
You can’t believe everything you hear
The diagetic world is so unclear
So baby close your ears
On the news tonight
To the news tonight

The unobtrusive tones on the news tonight
And mama said
Mmm

Why don’t the newscasters cry when they read about people who die
At least they could be decent enough to put just a tear in their eyes
Mama said
It’s just make believe
You cant believe everything you see
So baby close your eyes to the lullabies
On the news tonight